Mindfulness - Comfort and joy

Julie Saint-Mleux - Nova Scotia, March 2016

I have been reflecting on the sources of comfort and joy in my life. Without comfort, life can be stressful and painful. Without joy, life can be bland and boring. Even the most privileged need comfort from life's vagaries and existential angst. Even the sickest and the poorest find ways to instill joy in their lives. Together, comfort and joy make happiness possible. Whether it takes the form of pleasure and excitement (the youth's definition of happiness) or fulfillment and serenity (the old's definition of happiness), we all yearn for it.

When I paused to think about it, I realized that few pleasurable activities are harmless. In our use of happiness-promoting activities to cope with and enjoy life, how can we make sure that we do not harm ourselves or others? The following - and very popular - activities can all have a negative impact on our health, relationships, wallet, or other live things:

• Drugs - illicit and licit (alcohol, cigarettes, etc.): disqualified
• Food consumed for pleasure, especially if it's low in nutrients and/or high in unhealthy ingredients such as sodium and sugar: disqualified
• Screen time/electronics: disqualified
• Most of the media (magazines, TV): disqualified
• Shopping for the sake of shopping: disqualified
• Sunbathing - disqualified
• Long, hot showers - disqualified
• Crushes and sex for the wrong reasons: disqualified
• Workaholism/overtraining: disqualified
• Even traveling, which I love, is polluting: disqualified

I am not saying that those things, consumed in moderation, are all and always bad for you: an occasional glass of wine, piece of cake, movie, video game, purchase (especially if it's local and/or fair trade), etc, will probably be harmless. The problem arises from the frequency at which we resort to our sources of comfort and joy: for many of us, many of those soon turn into a regular habit, or worse, an addiction... with the results we know too well. What are we to do? Can a healthy, balanced, moral and ethical person have fun in this life? I gave it some thought and here is what I came up with. Harmless sources of comfort and joy:

Challenges that are "just right" - e.g. training for and running a race
Creative activities - building/creating something (ideally out of recycled/repurposed materials!) 
Discovery/learning new things - makes you feel young and alive
Healthy foods that we love - if unhealthy foods are not the best option, perhaps we can redirect our enthusiasm toward healthy ones? I know I get pretty excited when I see that asparagus is in season. What are your healthy foods?
Meaningful activities - sharing your time, your talents, your ideas
Meditating - self-explanatory
Music - listening, playing, singing, composing
Nature - that can take so many forms: hiking, camping, birdwatching, gardening, going to a farmer's market, listening to the rain, admiring a sunset, interacting with your pets
Playing - go back to the basics with water, snow, board games, cards, etc.
Physical activity that you enjoy - exercising is great but not always fun; find something that you truly like to do
Reading - anything that you enjoy
Socializing - ideally with pleasant, interesting, like-minded people
Snuggles - with a loved one, a child, a pet. Giving or receiving a massage also works; it's all about the contact
Spirituality - to some this equates faith/religion, but it does not have to. All you need is to be aware of something bigger than you, that transcends your five senses.


To maximize the effect of those pleasurable but simple activities, you will have to make yourself more receptive to pleasure. How do you do that? By retraining yourself - children know how to enjoy life and get excited about things as simple as a caterpillar. When was the last time you got excited over a caterpillar? We may have lost that ability but we can find it again; here's how:

• Be grateful - take time to fully recognize the positive in your life
• Deprive yourself - by allowing yourself the big sources of pleasure less often, you will appreciate them more 
• Cultivate mindfulness - be in the moment, pay attention - notice the little joys. And if you are going to indulge in your "vice" (mine is anything chocolatey), put all your awareness into it

It might take hard work, but I strongly believe that the comfort and joy you will get on that basis will be the purest and most fulfilling. 

Mindfulness this Week

What are your sources of - harmless - comfort and joy?

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The Less is More Project: Week 35 - The summer nothing happened

Back to school! As usual, the kids had a total of 9½ weeks of summer vacation this year. As usual, we had something planned for about 3 of those weeks (sending them to camp, traveling, seeing relatives, going camping). Which means there were still at least 6 weeks left unplanned.

As usual, I did not fall in the trap of booking them with activities 24/7. In fact, I organized pretty much nothing. After a full school year of tight schedules, I needed the break as much as they did. The only thing I made clear to them was that mornings would be dedicated to my - freelance from home - work, during which they could keep busy in any - safe and acceptable - way they saw fit. (Screen time was still limited to a max of 1 hour per day - figure out what to do with the rest of your time.)

As for afternoons, I wanted them to be left to the spirit of the moment. I wanted us to be spontaneous. Honestly, I also wanted us to experience idleness. Boredom, even. I longed to get lost in my thoughts, and I wished the same upon my kids.  Because, after all, having nothing to do has been shown to be good for children.

After three weeks of social gatherings, canoeing, swimming, hiking, fishing, bike rides, and other sports, campfires, restaurants, museums, parks and historical sites, you would imagine this sudden return to quiet would bore them to death.

When children are bored, two things happen. 1) They complain about it. 2) They start thinking. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity. Your brain has to generate original ideas. Something very important happens in the minutes that follow "I'm bored".

(Keep in mind that children who are not used to being bored might temporarily become annoying - let's not be scared to call things by their name here - but it should resolve if you give them a chance to figure it out.)

We did end up doing a couple fun things. We went to the beach. We visited - more - museums. We took walks in public gardens, in the woods, and on the waterfront. We visited the library. We went for bike rides. We played tennis. We picked berries. We flew a kite. We watched movies. We watched wildlife. We watched shooting stars. We baked. More importantly, we talked together.

But a lot of the time, I just let them be (and they returned me the favor). It was wonderful. I had time to exercise. To chat with friends. To read. To write. To hug my dog. To smell the flowers. To daydream. (Ah, the wonders of daydreaming! For more on the topic, click here.)

Left to their own devices, what did the kids do? They drew. They read. They wrote stories. They did self-directed crafts (my living room is now decorated with a sailing ship made out of cardboard boxes and rags). They played with Lego. They built forts. They played basketball on the street. They practiced their piano. They rode their bikes ad nauseam. They played outside with the neighbors.

Because I'm a cruel mother (ahem), they even helped with chores. The oldest was also hired by a neighbor to water his garden while he was away.

The only moment I heard them complain was whenever I told them to reapply sunscreen.

My kids are not saints for being able to thrive without structured activities and organized sports. Truth is, most kids can do the same... if given the opportunity.

A good friend of mine who also spent the summer at home with her children and did not plan much for them to do was commenting on how well-behaved they were. According to her, the reason was that they finally had time to rest. Most kids do so much usually, with school, organized sports and all, that they are exhausted... which has an impact on their mood. 

Children don't need their days to be filled with child specific activities. What they need is a safe environment in which they can explore and be creative. And when specific activities are happening, children don't have to be at the center of the plans. They can tag along. Simply respect their pace, get them involved... and let them be.



WEEK 35 IN REVIEW

Mountains of paper have left my home office as I am going through my filing cabinets. This must be one of the best feelings in the world. If I can remain organized in the paper department, it will qualify as one of the biggest accomplishments of the decade!


Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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The Less is More Project: Week 32 - Materialism VS Happiness

Davidd, Flickr

"They look happier than I've ever been. Is it living simply that I'm looking for?" 

(Levin, in Anna Karenina.)

We might know it, sometimes it doesn't hurt to remind ourselves of what does and does not foster happiness.

And what better way to do it than watch a documentary on happiness? In 75 minutes, "Happy" takes you around the world and into the offices of the big names in "happiness writing", such as Sonja Lyubomirsky, Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, Matthieu Ricard, and the Dalai Lama.

What are the first things we learn? That there are some big traps in the pursuit of happiness. They include pursuing goals such as money, fame and beauty. According to research, none of those, past an initial but ephemeral thrill, will significantly increase your happiness. Imagine: there would be no notable difference in happiness between the person who makes $50,000 a year and the one who makes $5,000,000. As long as you don't live below the poverty line (which would imply struggling to fulfill basic needs such as shelter and food), you are fine! How's that for evidence toward the relevance of minimalism. And if status and physical appearance don't really cut it either, there suddenly is a lot of room in your life for... simplicity.

Now you might wonder what has been shown to increase happiness levels! Here it is:

• fun (to play, to laugh)
• physical activity
• nature
• purpose
• change
• social interactions (and a strong social circle)
• cooperation
• helping others
• working reasonable amounts

To this I would add creativity (any art form will do) and meditation.

WEEK 32 IN REVIEW

I realized this week that there are a few things in the house I might never replace once they run out. Namely:

• Traditional cleaning products. We already don't use many, I don't see why I would ever buy anything else but vinegar, lemon juice and baking soda, since they work so well.
• Shampoo. Baking soda has been my shampoo for months now, and I am not going back. My hair is much shinier, and easier to style.
• Scented products. And environmentally-unfriendly products in general. My soaps, detergents and such are slightly more expensive, but they keep my family and the planet healthy.

Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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