Mindfulness - Self-knowledge and compassion

Muffet, Flickr

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm
 we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage 
and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” 

― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

One of my main findings, after two months of practicing mindfulness meticulously, is that I have been, in my life, ignoring (or downplaying) some very real aspects of who I am. By paying attention to my internal state (and the concomitant external circumstances), I am realizing that I still have much to learn and implement when it comes to respecting myself.

Throughout our lives, expectations are put upon us, and we internalize many of those expectations : this is how I should behave, what I should look like, the choices I should make, how productive I should be, etc. We internalize all of it so well that in some cases, we are not even aware that it is not "the real us".

Unfortunately, choosing to ignore (or doing so unconsciously) our true nature, our specific needs and our unique limits can only backfire. Simply think of an introvert who would force himself into more social gatherings than he can handle, or an extrovert who would fail to fulfill her social interaction needs, and you get the idea: both would feel miserable. 

Chronic limitations

Identifying our limits can lead to either one of the following: 1) it can lead us to renounce our goals altogether, or 2) it can lead us to set goals that are more realistic. Personally, I opt for the latter. For example, I have never let my - moderate - asthma get in the way of being active, and I even became a long-distance runner. But I have had to remain attentive to the limits that my asthma imposes, respect my own pace, and accept that no level of training will make me a super fast runner (my half-marathon PB is around the two-hour mark, while most of the same-age friends whom I trained with run it at least a couple minutes faster). 

If you have the same, or any other, physical or mental affliction, it is sometimes easier to deny it - after all, who wants to admit that they have health limitations, and that those health limitations get in the way of their aspirations, or even a "normal life"? The fact is, whether you acknowledge them or not, your limitations exist. They do not disappear through magical thinking. Another personal example: I have learned the hard way (despite all my initial resistance) that I have to address the first symptoms of a migraine vigorously, lest it turns much, much worse. Believe me, I do not enjoy cancelling plans or taking medication, but sometimes, it is a necessity.

Noticing and acknowledging our limits is not to be used as a pretext for giving up. I am all for pushing one's limits, and excessive self-indulgence definitely qualifies as one of my pet peeves. I know that in order to accomplish things and reach goals, hard work and discomfort is necessary. I am also all too aware that living and/or working with others requires compromise and good will - anything one person decides not to do ends up on somebody else's plate one way or another. However, I am becoming increasingly aware that ignoring one's limits often turns counterproductive.

Always pragmatic, I try and turn my self-awareness into a call to action to myself. Instead of sitting on my bum, I like to take matters in my own hands. For example, I have noticed that I can keep a lot of physical and emotional pain at bay by exercising regularly. I don't always feel like it, but time and experience has shown that it's worth it. I have also noticed that I waste my precious energy by trying to remain focused for a long time: with my short attention span, breaking down any task into smaller bits really is the way to go, whether I like it or not. The nice thing about it is that when I respect that particular pace and style of mine, I actually accomplish a lot.  

Temporary limitations

Sometimes, a given limitation is temporary. One of the best decisions I made when my father passed away, for example, was to allow myself to feel the pain, and to allow myself as much time as I needed to grieve. I did not give up my life and activities, but I cut myself some much needed slack, instead of insisting on "business as usual".

By knowing ourselves and our limitations better, by respecting our personal pace and style, we get rid of much frustration and guilt, and we end up getting more done, not less.

Get more done, feel better: it all starts with self-knowledge and compassion.

For more on knowing oneself:

Know Thyself
Who am I


Mindfulness this Week

I will be in sync with my optimal mode of functioning and any particular needs or limitations I may have. 

Tell us what you come up with.

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Mindfulness - Making good habits

Dafne Cholet, Flickr

Getting rid of bad habits is important, but making new ones is just as critical. 

First, because you can't simply let go of a bad habit without replacing it with another, better one: facing the void is too hard, especially when the reason the bad habit exists in the first place is to cover some deep dissatisfaction. Personal anecdote: A dietitian I once consulted for advice on how to stop eating my emotions (I would go for sweets whenever I felt tired, stressed or bored) recommended that I find another pleasant activity to engage in, ideally an activity that would prevent me from eating sweets, such as going for a brisk walk, talking to a friend, or taking a bubble bath. 

Second, because good habits are the number one step toward structuring our life in a way that enables us to live according to our values, and reach our goals. Forget about your bad habits: the only way you will build a life that makes you feel good about yourself is by adopting good habits.

The thing is, implementing (and maintaining) good habits is hard. That's because it takes us out of our comfort zone... but I think it is also because we look at them from the wrong angle: we see good habits as things we "should" do... if only we were a "good" person. I have a different take on them: good habits are the things that ultimately make you feel good, physically and mentally. Therefore, good habits are a gift we give ourselves. NOT some sort of painful coercion.

Of course, going from theory to practice takes some time - and a lot of mindfulness. We need to reconnect with how we really feel. We - erroneously - tend to think that our bad habits are what makes us feel good: after all, spending, eating, drinking and the like tend to give us a "high" which we tend to confuse with actual happiness. Paying attention and being honest with ourselves is the only way to rediscover the true source of well-being. (No, bingeing on beer or chocolate cake is NOT it.)

We also need to take baby steps. It will be difficult, but the beautiful thing about good habits is that they generalize to other good habits: for example, my first yoga instructor used to say that when she started meditating, she automatically started eating healthier, even if she had not consciously planned to. I believe this is true for many good habits. (Smokers who start running have an easier time letting go of smoking.) I personally still tend to gravitate toward sweets when I am tired or dehydrated... so I make sure to sleep enough and to drink water throughout the day - those two good habits help me resist a bad one.

Which takes us to some of the good habits you might want to start forming. (I recommend starting with one, and only adding additional good habits one at a time, when the previous one is more or less "mastered".)


You could make it a habit to:

• Go to bed earlier
• Wake up half an hour earlier in order to squeeze in some exercise or some meditation (both wonderful ways to start a day, they energize AND make you peaceful at the same time)
• Eat a tall glass of water as soon as you get up, and carry a water bottle with you all day
• Include actual fruit with each breakfast (better than juice)
• Carry a healthy snack with you for sudden cravings
• Make sure both lunch and supper include a big portion of vegetables
• Walk or bike whenever possible (as opposed to taking the car)
• Do simple body weight exercises and stretches while you watch TV (if you watch TV)
• Do a quiet activity before bedtime, such as reading a book, writing a gratitude journal, or taking a bath

Whether I "feel like it" or not, I know for a fact that whenever I include those good habits in my daily life, I feel much better. Even if the rest of the day doesn't go quite according to plan, I know that I did at least a few things right, and I feel more motivated to make other right choices.

What new habit do you feel like making?


Mindfulness this Week


I will look at my daily schedule and see if I can tweak a few things in order to include more of the "right choices". I will NOT focus on my bad choices. I will trust that by implementing good habits, the bad ones will slowly fade away.

Tell us what you come up with.

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Mindfulness - Getting rid of bad habits

Schnappischnap, Flickr

Bad habits. We form them, we maintain them, we curse them. They make our life miserable yet we fail at getting rid of them.

Very few of us could claim to have complete control over what they put in their mouth or what they do with their time, energy and money. Outside, stronger-than-us forces seem to be at play. This is not without consequences for our health, well-being and overall enjoyment of life.

There is a whole market based on helping people get rid of their bad habits. Or, more aptly put, there is a whole market based on making money out of people's dissatisfaction with their bad habits. Most of us are desperately looking for a way to get our life back on track, and most of us are willing to open our wallet in the process, whether we purchase goods or services that offer the promise of a better life. Nutritional supplements, kitchen equipment, storage systems, various accessories, training equipment, programs... they seem to hold the way to our individual holy grail, so we succumb and, over a lifetime, pour hundreds or thousands of dollars into them. Look around yourself and at your credit card statement... most likely you will see things that you purchased in the hope of a better life. Has it worked? Have you lost the weight? Have you reached your goal, whatever it is?

There is also a whole market based on making money out of creating and maintaining bad habits - ask any cigarette or junk food manufacturer, or any casino or shopping mall owner. 

But if dishing out money isn't the solution to getting rid of bad habits, what is? To find an answer to that, we must first identify our most common mistake.

When tackling our bad habits, we tend to focus on the future: in the future I will get rid of this habit. Beginning tomorrow, or January first, or when I turn forty, I will (fill in the blank):

• eat healthy
• exercise daily
• stop smoking
• stop drinking
• consume less caffeine
• go to bed earlier
• only buy what I need
• save money/get out of debt
• get rid of a tic (e.g. biting nails)
• control my temper
• invest in good relationships
• get organized 
• stop procrastinating
• get started on that book I want to write
• meditate daily
• ditch video games
• spend less time on social media

After trying to implement change, and seeing that it failed, as it unfortunately most often does, we move to the next step: we try again. It usually fails again. A quick look at the statistics for smoking cessation or weight loss and maintenance will illustrate that clearly. 

Trying and trying might (if we're lucky) take us closer to our goal, it still doesn't tackle the root of the problem, which is: 

Why did we make that bad habit in the first place? 

There is always a reason. Our bad habits don't fall from the sky randomly - they serve a purpose. As long as the purpose is there, our bad habits will thrive. At best we will replace a bad habit with another. But we cannot hope to free ourselves from bad habits as long as we don't stop and think about their origins.

Before we even look at HOW we can change our life, we need to ask ourselves WHY we are not living the life we want to live, WHY we are not reaching our goals, WHY we keep self-sabotaging.

Before we look at the future, we must first determine what, in our past, contributed to the formation of the bad habit, and what, in our present, helps crystallize it, day after day:

What happened in my past that led me to adopt this habit? 

What happens on a daily basis right before I engage in the behavior?

Mindfulness this Week


When I find myself engaging (or about to engage) in a habit I am trying to get rid of, I will ask myself what preceded it:

What happened right before I engaged in the bad habit? What was going on? How was I feeling?

Is this a common pattern for me?

What, in my past, might be the source of this pattern?

Tell us what you come up with.

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Mindfulness - Why?

BuzzFarmers, Flickr

''From a mindfulness point of view, 
we all have attention deficit disorder.'' 

(Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche)

Year after year, it's the same. We end the year reveling in excesses, we start the year making resolutions. Resolutions that, most often than not, will be reduced to distant memories just weeks into the new year - just look at how jam packed gyms become in January... only to quiet down by February. Even those of us who don't explicitly formulate resolutions could easily identify areas of their life where an improvement is called for, but fails to materialize.

This leaves us with two questions:

1) Why do so many of us feel the need to make resolutions?
    (Why do so many of us hope and plan to improve their lives?)

2) Why do so many of us fail at keeping those resolutions?
    (Why do so many of us fall short of implementing change?)

The reason we make resolutions is simple: Our life is not up to our expectations. We don't reach our goals. (Sometimes, we don't even know what our goals are.) We feel like we should have control over our existence, yet we keep steering it in the wrong direction, by making the wrong choices - big and small. We don't feel good about ourselves, or not often enough. Something is off. We want change. We want improvement.

The reason resolutions fail is more perplexing. We really do want to lose weight, stop smoking, spend less time in front of a screen and more time with our loved ones. We really do want to live a purposeful, fulfilling life in line with our values. We are full of great intentions.

The problem is one of mindfulness: we try to implement change but we fail to inspect our life genuinely to determine what, precisely, is at the bottom of our dissatisfactions and bad habits. Why exactly do we feel crummy? Why do we compensate with food, alcohol, shopping, or video games? 

This is where mindfulness comes into play. Mindfulness holds the key to a satisfying life that truly resembles us.  Embracing mindfulness might have a phenomenal impact on your life because it's been shown to make a difference in so many areas. For example, mindful eating would advantageously replace any diet. Implementing mindfulness in the workplace would significantly reduce stress, increase creativity and performance, improve interactions and decision-making, with the bonus of happiness and well-being.

Something tells me that mindfulness might be the ultimate resource and inspiration we need to tap into.

Mindfulness this Week

This week we will slowly acquaint ourselves with mindfulness. We will keep it very simple for now. Our only goal will be to pay more attention, to become more aware of what's going on. Every time we have a chance, we will ask ourselves: What is going on right now, outside of me and inside of me? We will welcome any answer that comes up. We will observe the sensations that emerge. There will be no judgement, no analysis, no further questions. We will simply state, for ourselves, how we feel this right moment... then we will continue with the rest of our day.

Let's begin right now. How do you feel at the moment? Take a moment to assess your internal state and the external situation. Then continue with the rest of your day.

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The Less is More Project: Week 21 - Two questions, take two

Kevin Dooley, Flickr

Sitting on a long chair in the backyard with a book. Wearing shorts and t-shirt, yet not feeling cold despite the shade. Finally. I had forgotten how good this feels. 

Life can now happen both indoors and outdoors, without the need to change clothes. I have been waiting for this all winter. And in most parts of Canada, winter (i.e. freezing temperatures and the potential for snow) lasts from October to April.

I am alive again. Mother nature is alive too, as the birds and the budding leaves and our freshly planted garden all remind me. The bugs are also back, but I couldn't care less; I am happy.

It occurs to me that such weather, if it lasted year long, would make it so much easier to be a minimalist. It's perfectly acceptable to live in cramped quarters with few possessions when the outdoors can act as living space. Or if you can at least open the windows! I could thrive in a tiny house in warm weather - in the summer my favorite place to sleep is a tent, and my favorite place to eat is at a picnic table or even right on the grass or sand. But in the winter? Not quite as appealing.

How do you reconcile harsh weather with a minimalist lifestyle?

Two questions, answered

What would you do if money were no object, and if you had all the money and time in the world? Here are the answers I gathered, both on this blog and from conversations with friends:

• do a job that's actually pleasant
• work less
• start a meaningful business
• go back to school
• spend time with loved ones
• engage in favorite hobbies (reading, etc.)
• do nothing at all
• help others (less privileged people)
• keep the house under control
• travel
• pursue creative goals (writing, painting, playing an instrument, etc.)
• pursue athletic goals (training for a race, etc.)
• buy something simple that will improve quality of life (as opposed to buying something luxurious for the sake of buying or for status boasting)

Notice that no one mentioned acquiring big, expensive things. Perhaps it's a sign that many of us are already minimalists at heart, and that stuff is not what we think of when the sky actually becomes the limit.

Also, notice how no one mentioned completely overhauling their life, like divorcing, moving to another country, or the like. Perhaps it's a sign that most of us are not miserable with our life; we might have some areas of "under-fulfillment", but a few small tweaks might do the job.

Let's go back to the list above, and to your specific answers. Is there anything you can do, in this life, to get closer to the accomplishment of those "dream goals"? Are they entirely unattainable, or can you slowly start making your way toward them? Of course, it will require thinking outside the box, getting out of your comfort zone, and perhaps some sacrifice... but it might be worth it! 

In what ways are you making room in your life for those "dream goals"?

Two new questions for this week

Decluttering is a daunting task. Simple tricks can make it more manageable. For example, looking for one object to ditch in each room (what we did last week), or tackling just one drawer at a time. To make it easier to part with your stuff from an emotional standpoint, here are two questions you should ask yourself when unsure whether to keep an object or not:

1. do you use it on a regular basis?
2. does it spark joy?

An object you don't use on a regular basis can probably go. (With the exception of seasonal items: if you only use your camping gear in the summer, and your fondue set in the winter, you can still keep them, provided they are used at least a couple times a year.)

An object that does not spark joy can probably go too. There is no reason to keep something that does not provide you with a significant positive feeling. It will only gather dust, or fill storage space. Say goodbye!

Look through your things and tell us what objects you got rid of based on those two questions.

WEEK 21 IN REVIEW

Temptations

No temptation this week either. However, vacation time is approaching fast, and we will be traveling, both to big cities and small, cute, historic places. Remaining focused will certainly be a challenge. Better start thinking about it now in order to come up with strategies!


Donations (good riddance)

I had a semi-formal outing, which hadn't happened since the beginning of this challenge. It took me quite a while to decide what to wear. It forced me to reassess the clothes I possess that are more "chic". I got rid of a few pieces. 

We also got rid of yet another bag of toys. The kids are moving into pre-teen years and it shows.

I tackled the bar this week. I realized we very rarely drink our strong alcohols, even when we have company: most people seem to stick to wine and beer. The unopened bottles have thus moved to my "regifting shelf", the one I browse whenever I need a hostess or teacher gift. The opened bottles have moved to a more convenient location, so that I will remember to use them (summer cocktails, anyone?) Once they are empty I will probably not replace those bottles.


Observations and cogitations

It's confirmed: I hate gardening with a passion. It's weird since I usually enjoy the outdoors very much, appreciate a pretty yard, and love harvesting from our veggie patch and berry bushes. But how I despise doing the work! 




Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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