Mindfulness - Relationships

JD Hancock, Flickr

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget 

what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

(Maya Angelou)

These past two weeks, while D was on the other end of the planet (literally - he was in Japan), and then sick, I had to face a few crises on my own, including the loss of a loved one, two basement floods, an insect infestation, and car problems. In the midst of it I also turned 40.

Those events taught or reminded me of a few things:

1. First, that in any difficult situation, taking a deep breath is always a good option.
2. Second, that paying real close attention to what is going on (inside or outside of yourself) usually helps you cope with the situation at hand.
3. Third, that we all have hidden sources of strength, resourcefulness, and resilience.
4. Fourth, that the things we think are important really aren't that important in the face of a crisis.
5. Last, but not least, that in most cases, others, and our relationship with them, make an immense difference.

If it hadn't been for wonderful family members, friends and neighbors, those two weeks and the events that punctuated them would have taken a whole other direction. More importantly, they would have felt much different for me, and not in a good way. 

That is not so surprising since, in this life full of good and bad surprises in equal measure, relationships are often what "makes it or breaks it".

Think of times in your life when you felt lonely, misunderstood, ignored, disrespected, unloved, rejected. Chances are it took over everything else, and made you feel miserable independently of what was going on in the rest of your life.

Now think of times in your life when you felt well-surrounded, validated, included, recognized, respected, loved. Chances are it made everything else easier to deal with.

This is how important relationships are: they change everything.

Indeed, happiness is closely related to the quantity and quality of your relationships. A Harvard study, presented in a TED Talk by Robert Waldinger, has demonstrated that relationships are the number one criteria for a good life. Feeling connected is crucial for overall well-being. I know that even in good times, when I don't need help or support, and despite my love of "alone time", a pleasant interaction with someone can be the most rewarding part of the day. I love the feeling that stems from helping someone, or simply from having a stimulating conversation.

This need for human connection is so important that researchers have now established that "the opposite of addiction is connection", suggesting that your relationships (or absence thereof) could prevent or exacerbate drug abuse. 

On top of influencing our well-being and whether or not we become addicted to substances, relationships have an effect on our physical health:

"When others betray us or we feel neglected, when we feel angry and sad at the way others have treated us, the power of our immune system declines dramatically." (Dalai Lama)

This is not to be taken lightly. Our interactions with others leave a trace. Some states of mind would even be contagious. For example, one can be exposed to "secondhand stress" and suffer the consequences. Don't you get tense around anxious or angry people, even when you have nothing to do with their negative emotion?

What this all means is that while we need to feel connected in order to remain healthy and happy, we also have to pay attention to the type of connection we have with others. To that effect, mindfulness is the best approach.

In my adult life, I have become aware of the nature of my interactions with others, and it has changed my approach drastically, in three main ways:

1. I remain authentic no matter what - I stepped away from trying to gain approval and admiration, because too often, that means being untrue to yourself. I respect others and strive to treat them fairly, but I respect myself, my needs and my values just as much.
2. I invest more in the interactions and relationships where both protagonists leave feeling good.
3. I invest less in the interactions and relationships that don't feel so good.

The third case has been my main challenge, as I grew up thinking that I had to get along with everyone, and that no effort was too big to that effect. Consequently, in my younger years, I devoted time and energy to the wrong relationships, tolerated more than I should have, or tried to change others. Some relationships do deserve a certain amount of compromise, but there is a line to be drawn. If someone demeans you, uses you as their therapist (as opposed to mutual confidences and support, which feels very different), or tries to control you, it might be time to step away.

Now, one crucial aspect of stepping away is to do it quietly. There is not need to argue, confront, justify, or take all the blame. If simple, respectful communication has not worked, then it might simply mean that the individual needs and wants are not compatible. This is especially important in cases where something more powerful is at play, such as a personality disorder. 

The point is not to diagnose people, of course, but to realize that some situations stem from complex and stubborn factors that we would be wise to avoid fighting, lest we turn ourselves in some form of modern Don Quixote.

I take people as they are, focus on the positive, stop holding specific expectations about how they should treat me, do communicate how I feel, but definitely don't try to change them. Then if it turns out that the relationship feels draining, I can simply let it go, or at least take my distances.

If, on the other hand, I am pleasantly surprised by the direction a relationship is taking, I know it would be wise to nurture it. These two past weeks made it impossible to ignore the love, generosity and kindness I am surrounded with. I feel very, very grateful for that, and I hope that I will be able to respond in kind. 

Mindfulness this Week

How do your interactions and relationships affect your daily life and your overall state of mind?

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Mindfulness - Was William Shakespeare a Buddhist?

Marilyn Roxie, Flickr

Guest post by Shawn McKim

Mindfulness is a way of communicating.

I must come across as someone who either a) is mindful or b) is mindless. 

Either way, it would do me good to think about thinking, and then write about it.

So here I am, thinking about thinking. Actually, I’m procrastinating. But

I’m thinking about it. Does that count? Can mindfulness be an exercise in

stream-of-consciousness? Can it be a journal-style entry? Are there ever

any rules for writing about such a topic?

I thought about creating a character and revealing this character through

a monologue. The monologue would in turn reveal what the character was

thinking, since that is a monologue's primary function. But if you think

about it, it would really be about what I was thinking, since I created

the character and wrote every single word the character said/thought. This

had me thinking even deeper. Is Shakespeare all of his characters? Most of

them have monologues, which reveal their true intentions. Most of them

have deep thoughts that they would never admit to other characters. The

device becomes useful when the audience needs to know something about a

character that the playwright isn’t ready to reveal through action.

Shakespeare’s characters’ thoughts are really only his in part. I say this

because his characters represent all kinds of realms of the human psyche.

They represent greed, loneliness, jealousy, anger, love, passion, sanity,

and insanity, among other things. Is Shakespeare all of those things? Of

course he is. But not at the same time. That would be confusing. Like all

of us, Shakespeare suffered from the human condition, so therefore he

wrote about the human condition. And since this human condition is all

about feeling different things for different reasons; feeling confused;

feeling unbalanced... writing about it helps us make sense of it - both to

ourselves and to others.

So maybe that’s why I’m writing about this stuff. I’m suffering from the

human condition. I am everything and nothing at the same time. I am trying to make sense of everything and nothing by writing about it. I choose the

topic of mindfulness because it is bringing my thoughts to the forefront.

I am forced to deal with them straight on. There is no hiding whilst

writing. Naturally, my head turns to soliloquies, monologues, and

speeches. The literary way to express one’s feelings and thoughts. And who

wrote some of the most famous soliloquies? Shakespeare.

Upon my initial research, I am finding that most of Shakespeare’s famous

speeches involve the topic of mindfulness. Sometimes it isn't obvious but

sometimes it is. For example, in Macbeth the title character finds out his

wife has committed suicide. In response, he says to himself:

She should have died hereafter;

There would have been a time for such a word.

—To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury

Signifying nothing.

Macbeth is thinking about life. But Shakespeare is thinking 

about thinking about life. I try to remind myself that these characters are not real. They are creations by an author. A real person. A real, thinking, feeling,

writing person, not unlike myself. Macbeth is just one of many extensions

of Shakespeare’s psyche. He has to be. Otherwise, where did these words

come from? In order for Macbeth to compare life to a walking shadow or a

frustrated actor, he would have to feel this way himself; at least

sometimes. Is Shakespeare always frustrated and concerned about life?

Perhaps not. Does he really feel like there is no use for anything? Maybe

sometimes. But not all the time, because Romeo was full of life and love

and hope:

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,

As daylight doth a lamp. Her eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright

That birds would sing and think it were not night.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek!

Romeo barely knows this girl and yet he has fallen deeply in love. He is

comparing her eyes to the stars and is, for all intents and purposes, in

heaven just by looking at them.

Is this not Shakespeare as well? Remembering what it was like to fall in

love for the first time? How could he be both Macbeth and Romeo? They are

so conflicting in their worldviews. So conflicting in their attitudes.

Easy. Shakespeare, like all of us, is all kinds of things. He is greedy,

lonely, jealous, angry, loving, passionate, sane, and insane. It’s his job

to write about these feelings for his audience is all of us, and we are

all of these things as well.

Mindfulness is a way of communicating. Perhaps not in the traditional

sense of speaking aloud to another person. Conveying a message is not

always that simple or empirical. It can be as complex and deep as a

character in a play, soliloquizing about anything, everything, and

nothing, all at the same time.

Mindfulness this Week

If you would like to submit a piece on your mindfulness thoughts and processes, please address it to mleuxj at gmail dot com.

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Mindfulness - Love thyself

gags9999, Flickr

Following last week's post on getting rid of bad habits, I was planning to write about making good habits, but inspiration came to me in the form of Cupid. 

Valentine' Day is the celebration of love, with all kinds of consumerist and non-consumerist exhortations to treat others and show them our affection... but how often do we take the time to celebrate our love for ourselves?

This has nothing to do with narcissism or megalomania, but rather with a healthy approach of our self-worth.

It has nothing to do with lowering our self-expectations to the point of settling for mediocrity, but rather with knowing our limits and setting realistic goals accordingly.

As parents in particular, we often put our needs - and our wants - aside in order to attend to those of our children. Those who care for an aging parent or other vulnerable family members might also tend to put their own needs on the ice.

Many of us are also demanding and hard on ourselves, leaving little room for self-kindness: the flaws we would easily tolerate (or even find endearing) in others become intolerable in ourselves.

How about being kind to ourselves, for a change? Here are some ways we can apply kindness to ourselves:

Self-respect: I will avoid negative talk. It is so insidious than we often don't even notice that we're doing it - but it happens a lot: in front of a mirror, after an awkward interaction with someone, in the middle of a difficult task. I will pay attention to my internal dialog. If I catch myself in the act of self-deprecation (which is akin to insulting oneself), I will stop and replace the statement with a positive one, or at least an accurate one. Examples: 

I am not ugly - I have beautiful (fill in the blank: eyes, or hair, or feet, or muscles, or soul, intellect... whatever you like about yourself)

I am not lazy - I have a limited supply of energy, and I know when to rest.

I am not stupid - I don't know everything, and I sometimes make mistakes, that is all.

Which leads us to...

Self-compassion: I will have sympathetic concern for my own struggles, instead of self-loathing. Like anybody else, I have physical, mental and emotional limits. Why do I try to function like I'm some kind of Super Woman or Energizer bunny? I cannot go, go, go. I need breaks, I need time to rest, to reflect or to pull myself together. I need to progress at a reasonable pace. I need to admit that in some instances, I might even - imagine that - need help.

Self-care: I will take care of myself like I would for anybody else who's under my care: I will attend to my needs and listen to myself.

Self-love: I will recognize that even if I strive for growth and improvement, try and do my best, and always will... I am already enough. 


Mindfulness this Week


Let's focus on one very simple question this week: Am I being kind to myself?

Be part of the process: 


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