Mindfulness - Relationships

JD Hancock, Flickr

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget 

what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

(Maya Angelou)

These past two weeks, while D was on the other end of the planet (literally - he was in Japan), and then sick, I had to face a few crises on my own, including the loss of a loved one, two basement floods, an insect infestation, and car problems. In the midst of it I also turned 40.

Those events taught or reminded me of a few things:

1. First, that in any difficult situation, taking a deep breath is always a good option.
2. Second, that paying real close attention to what is going on (inside or outside of yourself) usually helps you cope with the situation at hand.
3. Third, that we all have hidden sources of strength, resourcefulness, and resilience.
4. Fourth, that the things we think are important really aren't that important in the face of a crisis.
5. Last, but not least, that in most cases, others, and our relationship with them, make an immense difference.

If it hadn't been for wonderful family members, friends and neighbors, those two weeks and the events that punctuated them would have taken a whole other direction. More importantly, they would have felt much different for me, and not in a good way. 

That is not so surprising since, in this life full of good and bad surprises in equal measure, relationships are often what "makes it or breaks it".

Think of times in your life when you felt lonely, misunderstood, ignored, disrespected, unloved, rejected. Chances are it took over everything else, and made you feel miserable independently of what was going on in the rest of your life.

Now think of times in your life when you felt well-surrounded, validated, included, recognized, respected, loved. Chances are it made everything else easier to deal with.

This is how important relationships are: they change everything.

Indeed, happiness is closely related to the quantity and quality of your relationships. A Harvard study, presented in a TED Talk by Robert Waldinger, has demonstrated that relationships are the number one criteria for a good life. Feeling connected is crucial for overall well-being. I know that even in good times, when I don't need help or support, and despite my love of "alone time", a pleasant interaction with someone can be the most rewarding part of the day. I love the feeling that stems from helping someone, or simply from having a stimulating conversation.

This need for human connection is so important that researchers have now established that "the opposite of addiction is connection", suggesting that your relationships (or absence thereof) could prevent or exacerbate drug abuse. 

On top of influencing our well-being and whether or not we become addicted to substances, relationships have an effect on our physical health:

"When others betray us or we feel neglected, when we feel angry and sad at the way others have treated us, the power of our immune system declines dramatically." (Dalai Lama)

This is not to be taken lightly. Our interactions with others leave a trace. Some states of mind would even be contagious. For example, one can be exposed to "secondhand stress" and suffer the consequences. Don't you get tense around anxious or angry people, even when you have nothing to do with their negative emotion?

What this all means is that while we need to feel connected in order to remain healthy and happy, we also have to pay attention to the type of connection we have with others. To that effect, mindfulness is the best approach.

In my adult life, I have become aware of the nature of my interactions with others, and it has changed my approach drastically, in three main ways:

1. I remain authentic no matter what - I stepped away from trying to gain approval and admiration, because too often, that means being untrue to yourself. I respect others and strive to treat them fairly, but I respect myself, my needs and my values just as much.
2. I invest more in the interactions and relationships where both protagonists leave feeling good.
3. I invest less in the interactions and relationships that don't feel so good.

The third case has been my main challenge, as I grew up thinking that I had to get along with everyone, and that no effort was too big to that effect. Consequently, in my younger years, I devoted time and energy to the wrong relationships, tolerated more than I should have, or tried to change others. Some relationships do deserve a certain amount of compromise, but there is a line to be drawn. If someone demeans you, uses you as their therapist (as opposed to mutual confidences and support, which feels very different), or tries to control you, it might be time to step away.

Now, one crucial aspect of stepping away is to do it quietly. There is not need to argue, confront, justify, or take all the blame. If simple, respectful communication has not worked, then it might simply mean that the individual needs and wants are not compatible. This is especially important in cases where something more powerful is at play, such as a personality disorder. 

The point is not to diagnose people, of course, but to realize that some situations stem from complex and stubborn factors that we would be wise to avoid fighting, lest we turn ourselves in some form of modern Don Quixote.

I take people as they are, focus on the positive, stop holding specific expectations about how they should treat me, do communicate how I feel, but definitely don't try to change them. Then if it turns out that the relationship feels draining, I can simply let it go, or at least take my distances.

If, on the other hand, I am pleasantly surprised by the direction a relationship is taking, I know it would be wise to nurture it. These two past weeks made it impossible to ignore the love, generosity and kindness I am surrounded with. I feel very, very grateful for that, and I hope that I will be able to respond in kind. 

Mindfulness this Week

How do your interactions and relationships affect your daily life and your overall state of mind?

Be part of the process: 

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Mindfulness - Slow Down

smlp, Flickr

"One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a horse master. He told me to go slow to go fast. I think that applies to everything in life. We live as though there aren't enough hours in the day but if we do each thing calmly and carefully we will get it done quicker and with much less stress." 
(Viggo Mortensen)

We have been paying more attention to our lives, and noticing our internal state as well as the external circumstances, whenever possible. We have made interesting discoveries (go back to the previous posts for some examples, both in the text and in the comments). 

Despite those efforts to apply a mindful attitude to our daily life, I am willing to bet that in most circumstances, most of us are still operating on auto-pilot. We are oblivious to many of our own feelings and sensations. We react more than we act, based on past experiences, habitual patterns, and assumptions about what constitutes the right way to live our life. If we stay on this path, no significant progress can be made. We will continue to feel tense, frustrated, inadequate, guilty.

Time to deepen our awareness.

But why "waste our time on awareness", some will think, when there are more urgent matters to take care of? Our lives are unsatisfactory (and, for many, rather hectic). We don't want to use our precious time for reflection. We want results. It's understandable.

The truth is, no real awareness, and thus no true change, is possible without first slowing down. It's hard to see clearly when your mind and body are rushing. A while ago, I had this conversation with D: 

Me: I feel like I'm running all the time, without making any progress
D: You must be running in the wrong direction

Those sage words left me pensive. Running in the wrong direction sounds like a deplorable waste of time and energy, doesn't it? I have a feeling it is precisely what most of us are doing. But how can we really tell unless we first slow down?

I will admit that slowing down is hard, especially in a society like ours. Being busy and/or rushed is worn like a badge of honor. Don't we feel somewhat suspicious of people who don't have much to do? Don't we look down on them? Even if it was out of envy?

Add to that the speed technology has gotten us used to (the speed at which images change on TV and in movies, the speed at which we access information and each other), and it's no wonder our minds and bodies feel so frantic. I have stopped counting the number of friends and family members who have told me that "yoga is too slow" for them, let alone meditation. I don't think it's an idiosyncrasy; I think it's a reflection of our society's hasty pace. It takes time to get used to go slow.

"But I don't have time to slow down", many will say. I get that. Believe me, I do. I work full-time on top of trying to kick start my freelance writing business and training for races; I have two kids, three pets, a house and a big yard. If you asked me how often I feel on top of things, I would reply without hesitation: "never". But I have also noticed that rushing made no significant difference. Worse, it sometimes creates additional problems.

Driving fast, for example, will save you one or two minutes at best, but will raise your stress level and put you more at risk for accidents. The same applies to most daily activities: eating fast, talking fast, brushing your teeth fast... it doesn't really give you more time, but more importantly, it's stressful for your mind and body. What happens when you rush all day? Eventually, you collapse. You collapse on your couch each night, bag of chips in hand, and mindlessly surf the channels until bed time. You collapse mentally and can't focus at work or can't handle daily stresses (e.g. your kids drive you crazy). A burnout is around the corner. You collapse physically and get ill. 

Here's my long-distance runner piece of advice: pace yourself so you can last. When you slow down, you don't accomplish less. In fact, you may very well accomplish more; by doing things at a realistic pace and paying attention to what's going on, you don't get to the exhausted state (mentally, physically), which in turn means that you don't need to "compensate" with your usual addictions, whatever they are (eating, drinking, smoking, shopping, gaming, etc.)

In addition, most things benefit from being done slower:

• eat slower, drink slower (so you know when you're full)
• talk slower (so you have time to think it over; also, listen more)
• read slower (so that ideas make their way to your mind)
• walk slower (so you notice the beauty around you)
• make love slower (so you enjoy it better)
• etc.

If speed was what matters the most, we wouldn't take the time to sip on coffee. We would pop a caffeine pill and go on with our day. 

How does this apply to other aspects of your life?

Mindfulness this Week

This week, do something slower. It doesn't matter what it is. Pick something and systematically do it slower, with more awareness. Tell us how it felt!

Be part of the process: 

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The Less is More Project: Week 50 - Minimalism explained to children

Ann Jutatip, Flickr

A child of mine, the "stylish" one, was complaining once again that she does not have enough clothes, or that too many of them are hand-me-downs from her sister. A few years ago, the "clothes question" had become so annoying (read: a tantrum every morning when it was time to get dressed) that we had eventually removed all clothes from her bedroom (which was a lot, as both her dresser and closet were bursting at the seams), and resolved to pick her daily outfit ourselves, even if that went against my philosophy of autonomy. That strategy had proved successful: presented with no choice at all, said child would quietly comply and put on whatever we had picked for her. What she needed was not more choice (despite all her claims) - what she needed was less choice. 

She was not the first nor the last person to feel overwhelmed in such a situation: faced with too many options, human beings have a harder time making choices, and can even experience anxiety.

Eventually, her clothes went back to her room, as she had grown older and more mature, and was now able to chose her daily outfit in all serenity. But recently, she paid us a nice nostalgic revisiting of the good old times with a new "clothes crisis". 

Unfortunately for her, she did not know (or did not remember) who she was dealing with. Faced with her tantrum, I did not get upset. I did not ignore her complaints either. No. I did much "worst": I organized a little crash course on psychology, social inequality and environmental sustainability... just for her.

When dealing with someone who does not quite understand something, and especially when they exhibit a defensive or even hostile attitude, I like to begin with questions. And so I started with this one:

What are some of the things that we sometimes refuse to buy for you, that you would like to have?

She was quick to find examples:

• Electronics
• Junk food
• Candy
• More clothes
• More toys

My second question quickly followed: 

And why is that? Why do we say no to those things on a regular basis?

The answer to this was harder for her to formulate (she did mention the fact that junk food is "not good for you"). It was now my turn to explain why we are being such cruel parents:

1) Your own well-being. Doctors and psychologists agree that owning and using electronics regularly is not good for children. The same is obviously true for eating junk food and candy. As for extra clothes and toys, we know that owning too many things does not make a person happier; it can even make you more miserable.

2) Other people's well-being. Who makes the clothes, toys, and electronics you want? Poor, underpaid, underage people who work in difficult, often dangerous, settings. Do we want to support that? It was easy to illustrate my point. I showed her this video of a 9 year-old girl who works 12-hour shifts in a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Putting things in perspective, you said?

3) The planet's well-being. Every time an object is made, it creates pollution. The less we buy, the less objects will be made, and the less pollution will be created.

I truly believe in children's ability to understand the underlying reasons for choices and actions; because of that, I will keep explaining things. Who knows what the next topic will be?

WEEK 50 IN REVIEW

2015 is coming to an end, and people ask me what I am most impatient to buy once the project is over. My answer is simple: nothing at all. I do not crave any more belongings. A year was more than enough to find detachment from the material sphere. More than any desire to start shopping again, I have a desire to stay on the minimalist path, for I have discovered the well-being that accompanies it.

PROJECT 2016

Project 2016 is in the making!  Are you ready to make real changes in your life? Are you tired of new year resolutions that die after just two weeks? I might have a solution for you. Stay tuned, and to make sure you don't miss anything...

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The Less is More Project: Week 45 - Social sustainability in the suburbs

Quebec City, 2015. By JSM

"A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness." (Leo Tolstoy, Family Happiness)

Moving to Nova Scotia eight years ago, we bought our first house. Our real estate agent recommended a certain area, partly based on the school's good reputation. We also liked the nature feel (big lots surrounded by large wooded areas). We chose a house that seemed to fit our needs, wants and hopes. As we were soon to discover, however, the building, the land and the neighborhood might be important pieces of the puzzle, they are not the only ones. One of the best surprises, after moving here, has been the neighbors themselves.

Moving away from everything and everyone we knew could have been painful, but we adapted rather well, and what made the biggest difference was the people who live around us.

We were not the only ones to notice. I recently read the following post on our neighborhood's Facebook page, where people can share information, ask questions (or for help), and generally stay connected: 

"Love love love this neighborhood!! People are so friendly!! Any time I have been looking for anything I get pretty much an instant response and through that I met such awesome people!!"

If it sounds cheesy, it's not. This quote illustrates very well how it feels to live here.

The best thing about great neighbors is that they keep getting better. At first you introduce yourself to each other, occasionally help each other (babysitting, pet-sitting, house-sitting, garden-watering, or the classic "can I borrow three eggs and a some flour?") Occasionally, you offer each other small tokens of appreciation. I've received special deliveries of lobster, freshly fished clams, freshly hunted moose or deer, leftover birthday cake. I've shared homemade muffins and soups.  I've traded fruit and vegetables from the garden. We've helped each other shovel snow. Adults look out for children. Older kids look out for younger ones. 

As time passes, courteous interactions turn into full-blown friendships as you find yourself discussing life for hours on end over a cup of coffee. We go for walks (or runs) together. We have barbecues, bonfires, pool parties.

Eventually, it gets comfortable enough that you can walk over in your PJs to share a glass of wine (been there, done that).

Eventually, you become close enough that you confide in each other about your hopes, dreams, worries, fears, or secrets.

But our community is even more than a warm and welcoming place where one easily makes new friends. It's also its own little local economy in itself. 

Many of us run a small business. For some it's in the building trades. For some it's the making of jewelry, foods, gifts. Some of us offer services: childcare,  piano lessons, tutoring, translating, home decorating. Most of us run those small businesses from home. This promotes family life and flexibility. And because many of us use each other's business when we need a good or a service, our neighborhood almost qualifies as a self-sufficient mini-market. We don't have to go very far to find a small, locally owned (by a friend) consignment store, preschool, hair salon, spa. Some of those services or goods are bartered, which reinforces the feeling of a communal, self-contained system.

Above the location, the house, the school and all other aspects of living here, this might be my favorite feature about this neighborhood.

What do you like about your neighborhood? Does any part of it contribute to living a simple life?

WEEK 45 IN REVIEW

Just saw an add (on social media) about a service that delivers a box of goodies to your dog every month. I can barely imagine how much junk you are left with at the end of the year! 

Soon I will have to go shopping for Christmas presents. After almost eleven months of buying close to nothing, I'm not sure how to feel about it. I will try and keep it simple. 

How do you manage your Christmas shopping?

Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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The Less is More Project: Week 18 - How clean is too clean?

DanBrady, Flickr

Have you ever felt like by the time the house/car/garden is finally "clean enough", the day is done and it's time to go to bed? Worse, do you never really reach the point of "clean enough", no matter how hard you work?

This is yet another manifestation of our obsession with stuff: we want everything to be spotless. 

Decluttering is good, as is keeping relatively clean surroundings. Spending endless hours dusting, wiping, scrubbing and polishing? Not so good. 

In addition, there are a variety of things that do not need to be cleaned at any point in time; in those cases, cleaning can even be harmful. Random examples include power cleaning your driveway, removing fallen leaves from your lawn, wiping your baby's face in between each spoonful of puree, giving a bath to your cat, or using scented wipes on your genitals. Don't do it!

By no means do I consider myself a clean freak, yet I have pressured myself into making sure my house immaculate before I let anyone show up. I know it has sometimes gotten in the way of spontaneity: on a random Friday night, feeling like having some friends over, I will hesitate because I haven't had time to clean. Or I will get in a cleaning frenzy instead of relaxing while I wait for them to show up. Foolish of me. When your friends show up and exclaim "wow, your house is so clean", it might be a sign you overdid it (note to myself here).

Last summer, I became very resentful toward all the weeding work that kept me away from the beach. Eventually I went on a multi-week strike, left the flowerbeds to fend for themselves and allowed myself to fully enjoy the true pleasures of summer. I never regretted it, but I did feel the need to apologize for the state of my garden to impromptu visitors. Why?

When it's not us worrying about the state of our house and property, it's others: I have heard countless stories of well-intentioned parents and in-laws showing up and ending up cleaning their grown children's house while the latter would prefer just enjoying each other's presence. Offering help to young parents is definitely commendable, but it will probably make them feel like they have to join in the hard work when in fact they might simply want to chat with you.

Our obsession with cleanliness not only robs us of our precious time (and money, thanks to all those unnecessary cleaning products we feel compelled to buy, or thanks to the people we hire to do the work), it is also bad for our health and for the environment. The types of products we use and the frequency at which we use them deserves to be questioned. 


Some questions to ponder:

• Does cleaning get in the way of other more meaningful activities? For example, do you refrain from inviting friends over, from playing with you kids, from going on a little trip - or from resting - because the house or garden is not quite up to your standards?

• How often does one really need to wash their hair or their clothes (with the exception of underwear of course) if they do not show signs of dirt and in the absence of significant sweating?

• Are our bodies and houses so dirty that we need to use the strongest detergents, disinfectants and abrasives on them? Really? Or are we destroying our skin's protective oils and useful bacteria, and breathing toxic fumes?

• At what point do we cross the line between preventing common colds and minor odors and giving ourselves cancer?

• What impact does all that cleaning have on the environment? How much water and harmful products do we use, and how much trash do we create (e.g. disposable wipes and other such horrors)?

• Do you sometimes "cover up" problems with strong products instead of actually tackling the underlying issue? For example, do you keep swirling the mouthwash (a useless product) instead of seeing your dentist about that recurring bad breath?

• Do we want to be the "victims" of marketing, which creates a false need for cleaning and beauty products that we could in fact live without?

What is your relationship to cleaning?

For more on alternatives to "traditional cleaning", click here.

WEEK 18 IN REVIEW

Temptations

I succumbed! I bought one piece of clothing I did not really need. It was right next to the one piece of clothing I actually needed. In a moment of weakness, I took both. The price was good, it won't take up that much space, and I truly love it and will wear it a lot... but I still broke my rule, and I'm not proud to report it. I won't bring it back to the store, but I will make an extra effort to get rid of other clothes in an effort to "compensate". Lesson of the week: you can still have relapses five months into a new habit. Vigilance is essential!

What is your weakest area, and what do you do to prevent relapses?


Donations (good riddance)

On the bright side, I am very happy to report that I finally pulled up my sleeves and took care of the one room I was apprehensive about: my home office. Paper is the worst, when it comes to decluttering, because you need to look at every single sheet and read it to assess where it belongs. This is probably where the "touch it once" rule came from: if you file or discard your papers as soon as you receive them, they don't accumulate in piles everywhere! The office now looks like a place where organized thoughts can happen. And I can quickly access any document I need now that I know where everything is.

What room, cupboard or drawer are you tackling this week?


Observations and cogitations

This ongoing reflection on my consumption habits and their impact on my health and well-being, the environment and the economy has me question my intake of animal products. I have been a vegetarian in the past (although not at the moment). From an ethical perspective, being a vegan sounds even more appealing. But it all seems so complicated in a society that gives meat (and dairy) such an important place. 

Any advice?




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The Less is More Project: Week 17 - One of each

andrechinn, Flickr

Our culture of abundance and consumerism makes it possible (and "normal") to own more than one of the same object. 

For many reasons, I want to be an advocate of owning only one of each thing. 

In ascending order of size and/or value:

Own only one of each beauty/hygiene product. I'm like everybody else. I do find little jars of beautifully scented lotions, powders and other "beauty products" to have an uncanny appeal. Especially when said jar (or any other type of packaging - think individually wrapped soap bars) is pretty. Like everybody else, I also like a good bargain: whenever possible, I buy those items on sale. The consequence? Well, open your pharmacy cabinet or pull your shower curtain: you'll see. Most of us are "bathroom pack rats" in one way or another. How many bottles of shampoo, conditioner and shower gel do you really need at one time? Do you sometimes have to throw sunscreen away because it's expired? Do you know how many tubs of lip balm/lipstick you own and where they are located? I don't know for you, but I'm tired of that kind of clutter. Right now I am gradually using up all those accumulated bottles, jars and tubs... and will not replace any product until it's drops from being all gone. Also: I will only replace the products that I really need. I will live my everyday life like I do when I travel: with only the products I use daily, and with only one of each.

Are you dealing with a similar "beauty product overload" situation?


Own only one couch, kitchen table, TV set and the like. This is mostly for family-bonding purposes. The more couches, tables and TVs you own, the less time you will end up spending with your family members. 

Do you notice a correlation between the amount of time your family spends together and the number of those items you own? Is it any different when you go on vacation?

Own only one vehicle. Okay. Some couples and families have jobs or activities that take them in opposite directions. But that is not always the case. I have seen people go to pretty much the same area at approximately the same time (you know, within 30 minutes of each other) with two separate cars. With some planning, some optimization of our time, and the willingness to sometimes have to wait a little bit, it is more than possible to function with only one car in a lot of cases. I know some people who will rent a car for the very rare instances in which they really need one. It is also perfectly acceptable to ask a friend for a ride (you can pay them back in wine bottles). Not to mention the wildly overlooked options that are called, respectively: carpooling, public transport, bicycles and your own feet. Slow down, look around, actually engage with your surroundings and the people, be kind to the Earth, avoid the stress of driving and parking... and save thousands of dollars each year. (What are you gonna do with that money?)

Are there any situations in which you could ditch the car and travel differently?


Own only one house. Meaning no cottage or summer home in the country side, and no pied-à-terre in a bigger city. To many, owning more than one property is not even an option, but to those who can (or think they can) afford it, please give it some thought. A second property means cleaning, maintenance, repairs. It doesn't matter that you are paying someone else (assuming you can afford that too) to do all the work. The responsibility is still on your shoulders. Plus, consider the alternative: the freedom of going to a different, new place with different, new sights, activities and people every time you travel. The wonders of discovery, the surprises, the excitement.

If you own a second property... do the advantages exceed the disadvantages? And are you getting outside of your comfort zone (as you should)?


Exceptions. Some things you might want (need?) to own two of (maybe):

• bathrooms: if you are a family of 4+ and especially if you have teenagers, 2 bathrooms will make your life more comfortable. It might not be a fundamental need, but it's nice.
• sunglasses: one sturdy, flexible, aerodynamic pair for sports, one trendy pair for dressier outfits
• watch: same as above
• purse: one for spring-summer, one for fall-winter
• bed sheets: same as above (if you live in a country that has very pronounced seasons - I like flannel in the cold months!)
• PJs: same as above
• towels: so that you can use one while the other one is being washed
• sets of workout clothes, favorite bras, bathing suits, etc.: same as above
• sets of dishes: same as above - for a family of 4, that would mean 8 of each item - I know I rarely use all 12 of my plates, forks and glasses at the same time!

Do you have any other examples I might have overlooked?


Please share any thoughts, no matter if you agree or disagree with the above!


WEEK 17 IN REVIEW

Temptations

I was early for an appointment. Did not feel like waiting in the car. Walked into a store. Spotted a very nice pair of boots, price 25% off, my size. Tried them on. Liked them. Looked at my other pair of boots on the floor (the ones I had walked in with), not the same style but definitely the same kind: not too warm, laced, earth tones, ankle height, perfect for mild spring or fall days. Would the new boots serve a different purpose than the ones I already own? Absolutely not. Walked out in my old (but still perfectly fine) boots without buying a new pair.

My friend S, on the other hand, has been questioning her recent purchase of a short faux leather jacket. Her argument: she already owned a soft shell jacket that she used for similar temperatures (again, spring and fall). She therefore questions whether that purchase fits a minimalist lifestyle. However, she did not own a stylish jacket to wear when she dresses up. I think her new purchase was justified.

How do you determine whether an item qualifies as a need or as a duplicate of something you already own?


Donations (good riddance)

Small, gently used toys my kids are not using anymore are becoming the "prizes" I use when playing Bingo with my students. Up to now nobody has complained.

How are your children, parents or partner reacting to the idea of getting rid of things they don't use anymore?


Observations and cogitations

A reader commented that she hides things from her family, and that if no one has noticed or asked for those things in a month, it means they can be donated. If you are not ready to "play that game" with your loved ones, why don't you play it with yourself: hide things you don't really use in a box. Tape it shut. Don't list the contents anywhere. Wait a few months. Did not need anything that was in the box? Don't even remember what you put in it? Donate the box "as is".

Does that sound scary to you? If you decide to try it, tell us what happened!



What did you resist this week? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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