Mindfulness - The real problem with time

Nick J Webb, Flickr

"If we worship money, we'll never feel truly abundant. 

If we worship power, recognition, and fame, we'll never feel we have enough. And if we live our lives madly rushing around, trying to find and save time, 

we'll always find ourselves living in a time famine, frazzled and stressed." 

(Ariana Huffington)

Do you find yourself rummaging for time, desperately trying to go through your to-do list, always tired, always frustrated?

I know I do. A few months ago, I even tried to create a detailed weekly plan that would incorporate everything I want (or need) to do; paid work, household chores, quality time with loved ones, running, swimming, going to the gym, practicing the guitar, writing articles for an increasing number of publications. To my great despair, and no matter how I tried to move things around, it simply didn't fit - especially given the fact that I wanted the supreme luxury of also sleeping 8 hours per night. 

There is nothing original about my quest for hours, nor is there with my ongoing frustration with the unfinished state of so many of my ventures: as a working parent of the new millenium, I am in good company.

Not content to simply accept this state of affairs, I decided to dig deeper: Why do we feel so pressed for time while living in comfort and privilege? Does it have to be that way? How can we create for ourselves a schedule that has a more organic pace, while still reaching at least some of our goals?

The more I researched the topic, and the more I experimented with my use of time (this summer, for example, was the first in many years that I did not create a long to-do list for myself), the more I realized that the real problem is not time. Our stressed out and frustrated state originates from a few other factors:

Expectations

Simply put, many of us tend to underestimate the time it will take to do something. I am definitely guilty of that. The first step toward regaining control over our use of time might be to actually set aside enough time to accomplish the things we want to accomplish. If, like me, you also struggle to remain focused on the task at hand (I can barely empty a dishwasher without researching something on Google halfway through), you may want to plan even more time. Which takes us to the next factor: 

Attention

No matter how much time you spend on a task, if you are not focused on it, you are not making progress. It doesn't matter if you are distracted by others (external interruptions) or by yourself (daydreaming, multitasking). A block of time devoted to something must indeed be devoted to it! How to accomplish that? Monotask. Take the necessary steps to avoid being disrupted (There is a sign on my home office door that reads "Keep calm and do not disturb - I am working"). And plan regular breaks.

Energy

Time is a finite resource. Energy is not. So what really matters is not how much we work, but how we use our energy. One of the main lessons I have learned from running is to pace myself. That could mean going slower than what comes "naturally", or taking a break before you think you need one. This, I realized, applies to any sort of activity: physical, intellectual, even emotional.

If I try to go too fast, or if I fail to rest when I need it, then I end up being way less efficient, which wastes my time. When we do that on a regular basis, a common consequence is to engage in "numbing activities" to compensate for the unpleasantness - this is how so many of us end up over eating, drinking, shopping, staring at a screen for hours, etc. I'm not okay with wasting my time numbing pain and discomfort with bad habits that most likely have side effects. Instead, I am coming to terms with "unproductive" activity (sleeping, daydreaming, reading, listening to music)  that provides me with rest or pleasure.

Priorities

"Most people are living at such a furious pace that they rarely stop to ask themselves what they stand for and who they want to be. As a consequence, they let external demands dictate their actions." (Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy) 

I stopped counting the number of times I heard time-starved moms - myself included - apologize for not baking/cooking the dish they were bringing to a party, or for not welcoming their guests into an immaculate house... as if getting something from the grocery store and living in a house that looks, well, lived-in, was a venial sin of some sort. To avoid the guilt - and the ensuing apology - a lot of us will try to cram such extra demands into a schedule that is already bursting at the seams. Enough already! Do those things really matter that much?

Like a teacher sets end goals, then breaks them down in small, incremental steps for her students, we should set life goals, determine the intermediate steps, and ensure that our time is indeed devoted to those goals on a daily basis. Any activity that does not lead to the fulfillment of those main goals can be tossed aside. 

Unfortunately, it is very easy to confuse our own personal goals with those that society imposes on us. Based on the current, mainstream definition of success, for example, I should be spending most of my time trying to impress others by 1) making sure I (and my family, and my house, etc.) look their best and "coolest" at all times, including on social media; 2) becoming famous (or making my kids famous, by extension); 3) making lots of money.

The problem is, those endeavors often prove exhausting, and may fail to provide the fulfillment we are looking for. I have written about how, when my translation business was at its height (and with it my income), I felt more fatigue, stress and frustration than any happiness I might have been looking for. I have since then decided to slow down on the career front, and I genuinely feel much better for it.

Meanwhile, other activities that seemed far less glamorous than a lucrative start-up, and which had fell through the cracks, regained importance in my eyes as I realized they actually fit some of my main priorities. Walking in nature and listening to the rain or birds, or spending time washing and cutting up veggies, seems rather banal and, again, unproductive. But when setting my priorities, eating (and feeding my family) healthy, and making sure I engage in peaceful, meditative activities on a daily basis, made it to the top 10 - meaning those activities should indeed be part of my daily life - even if that means sacrificing other activities. 

Less is more

The fear of missing out is a potent feeling, exacerbated by the plethora of choices modern life offers. Is it because my father passed away suddenly at 50, long before he could enjoy any bit of retirement, making it all so clear that the clock is ticking? I have felt an intense pressure to "make the most of life". When left unattended, that pressure can suck enjoyment out of life, which is the last thing we want to happen. I now know that what I need is not to do more things in general, but to strive and be in the moment, whatever I am doing (or not doing).

And so, counterintuitive as it may seem, in order to feel at peace with our use of time, we might need to do less, not more. To learn to sit or walk in silence, to stare into space, without guilt.

Which is exactly what I practiced this summer. There is no endless list of activities on my fridge, with little checkmarks all over it. This summer I took life day by day. Consequently, I spent more time on "unproductive" activities such as reading, chatting with friends and family, and even sleeping. It wasn't always comfortable, but I got used to that slower, more organic, pace. Interestingly, the top priorities still got done (e.g. repainting the decks, organizing the basement). Was this summer better or worse than the previous ones? Neither. But it was certainly less stressful. Will I have regrets? Probably not.

Mindfulness this Week

Have you changed your relationship with time?
How do you make sure you respect your pace, energy levels and priorities?
Do you find it hard to set realistic expectations, and to maintain your focus?

Be part of the process: 

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Mindfulness - Why?

BuzzFarmers, Flickr

''From a mindfulness point of view, 
we all have attention deficit disorder.'' 

(Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche)

Year after year, it's the same. We end the year reveling in excesses, we start the year making resolutions. Resolutions that, most often than not, will be reduced to distant memories just weeks into the new year - just look at how jam packed gyms become in January... only to quiet down by February. Even those of us who don't explicitly formulate resolutions could easily identify areas of their life where an improvement is called for, but fails to materialize.

This leaves us with two questions:

1) Why do so many of us feel the need to make resolutions?
    (Why do so many of us hope and plan to improve their lives?)

2) Why do so many of us fail at keeping those resolutions?
    (Why do so many of us fall short of implementing change?)

The reason we make resolutions is simple: Our life is not up to our expectations. We don't reach our goals. (Sometimes, we don't even know what our goals are.) We feel like we should have control over our existence, yet we keep steering it in the wrong direction, by making the wrong choices - big and small. We don't feel good about ourselves, or not often enough. Something is off. We want change. We want improvement.

The reason resolutions fail is more perplexing. We really do want to lose weight, stop smoking, spend less time in front of a screen and more time with our loved ones. We really do want to live a purposeful, fulfilling life in line with our values. We are full of great intentions.

The problem is one of mindfulness: we try to implement change but we fail to inspect our life genuinely to determine what, precisely, is at the bottom of our dissatisfactions and bad habits. Why exactly do we feel crummy? Why do we compensate with food, alcohol, shopping, or video games? 

This is where mindfulness comes into play. Mindfulness holds the key to a satisfying life that truly resembles us.  Embracing mindfulness might have a phenomenal impact on your life because it's been shown to make a difference in so many areas. For example, mindful eating would advantageously replace any diet. Implementing mindfulness in the workplace would significantly reduce stress, increase creativity and performance, improve interactions and decision-making, with the bonus of happiness and well-being.

Something tells me that mindfulness might be the ultimate resource and inspiration we need to tap into.

Mindfulness this Week

This week we will slowly acquaint ourselves with mindfulness. We will keep it very simple for now. Our only goal will be to pay more attention, to become more aware of what's going on. Every time we have a chance, we will ask ourselves: What is going on right now, outside of me and inside of me? We will welcome any answer that comes up. We will observe the sensations that emerge. There will be no judgement, no analysis, no further questions. We will simply state, for ourselves, how we feel this right moment... then we will continue with the rest of our day.

Let's begin right now. How do you feel at the moment? Take a moment to assess your internal state and the external situation. Then continue with the rest of your day.

Be part of the process:

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The Less is More Project: Week 21 - Two questions, take two

Kevin Dooley, Flickr

Sitting on a long chair in the backyard with a book. Wearing shorts and t-shirt, yet not feeling cold despite the shade. Finally. I had forgotten how good this feels. 

Life can now happen both indoors and outdoors, without the need to change clothes. I have been waiting for this all winter. And in most parts of Canada, winter (i.e. freezing temperatures and the potential for snow) lasts from October to April.

I am alive again. Mother nature is alive too, as the birds and the budding leaves and our freshly planted garden all remind me. The bugs are also back, but I couldn't care less; I am happy.

It occurs to me that such weather, if it lasted year long, would make it so much easier to be a minimalist. It's perfectly acceptable to live in cramped quarters with few possessions when the outdoors can act as living space. Or if you can at least open the windows! I could thrive in a tiny house in warm weather - in the summer my favorite place to sleep is a tent, and my favorite place to eat is at a picnic table or even right on the grass or sand. But in the winter? Not quite as appealing.

How do you reconcile harsh weather with a minimalist lifestyle?

Two questions, answered

What would you do if money were no object, and if you had all the money and time in the world? Here are the answers I gathered, both on this blog and from conversations with friends:

• do a job that's actually pleasant
• work less
• start a meaningful business
• go back to school
• spend time with loved ones
• engage in favorite hobbies (reading, etc.)
• do nothing at all
• help others (less privileged people)
• keep the house under control
• travel
• pursue creative goals (writing, painting, playing an instrument, etc.)
• pursue athletic goals (training for a race, etc.)
• buy something simple that will improve quality of life (as opposed to buying something luxurious for the sake of buying or for status boasting)

Notice that no one mentioned acquiring big, expensive things. Perhaps it's a sign that many of us are already minimalists at heart, and that stuff is not what we think of when the sky actually becomes the limit.

Also, notice how no one mentioned completely overhauling their life, like divorcing, moving to another country, or the like. Perhaps it's a sign that most of us are not miserable with our life; we might have some areas of "under-fulfillment", but a few small tweaks might do the job.

Let's go back to the list above, and to your specific answers. Is there anything you can do, in this life, to get closer to the accomplishment of those "dream goals"? Are they entirely unattainable, or can you slowly start making your way toward them? Of course, it will require thinking outside the box, getting out of your comfort zone, and perhaps some sacrifice... but it might be worth it! 

In what ways are you making room in your life for those "dream goals"?

Two new questions for this week

Decluttering is a daunting task. Simple tricks can make it more manageable. For example, looking for one object to ditch in each room (what we did last week), or tackling just one drawer at a time. To make it easier to part with your stuff from an emotional standpoint, here are two questions you should ask yourself when unsure whether to keep an object or not:

1. do you use it on a regular basis?
2. does it spark joy?

An object you don't use on a regular basis can probably go. (With the exception of seasonal items: if you only use your camping gear in the summer, and your fondue set in the winter, you can still keep them, provided they are used at least a couple times a year.)

An object that does not spark joy can probably go too. There is no reason to keep something that does not provide you with a significant positive feeling. It will only gather dust, or fill storage space. Say goodbye!

Look through your things and tell us what objects you got rid of based on those two questions.

WEEK 21 IN REVIEW

Temptations

No temptation this week either. However, vacation time is approaching fast, and we will be traveling, both to big cities and small, cute, historic places. Remaining focused will certainly be a challenge. Better start thinking about it now in order to come up with strategies!


Donations (good riddance)

I had a semi-formal outing, which hadn't happened since the beginning of this challenge. It took me quite a while to decide what to wear. It forced me to reassess the clothes I possess that are more "chic". I got rid of a few pieces. 

We also got rid of yet another bag of toys. The kids are moving into pre-teen years and it shows.

I tackled the bar this week. I realized we very rarely drink our strong alcohols, even when we have company: most people seem to stick to wine and beer. The unopened bottles have thus moved to my "regifting shelf", the one I browse whenever I need a hostess or teacher gift. The opened bottles have moved to a more convenient location, so that I will remember to use them (summer cocktails, anyone?) Once they are empty I will probably not replace those bottles.


Observations and cogitations

It's confirmed: I hate gardening with a passion. It's weird since I usually enjoy the outdoors very much, appreciate a pretty yard, and love harvesting from our veggie patch and berry bushes. But how I despise doing the work! 




Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

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