Mindfulness - Relationships

JD Hancock, Flickr

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget 

what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

(Maya Angelou)

These past two weeks, while D was on the other end of the planet (literally - he was in Japan), and then sick, I had to face a few crises on my own, including the loss of a loved one, two basement floods, an insect infestation, and car problems. In the midst of it I also turned 40.

Those events taught or reminded me of a few things:

1. First, that in any difficult situation, taking a deep breath is always a good option.
2. Second, that paying real close attention to what is going on (inside or outside of yourself) usually helps you cope with the situation at hand.
3. Third, that we all have hidden sources of strength, resourcefulness, and resilience.
4. Fourth, that the things we think are important really aren't that important in the face of a crisis.
5. Last, but not least, that in most cases, others, and our relationship with them, make an immense difference.

If it hadn't been for wonderful family members, friends and neighbors, those two weeks and the events that punctuated them would have taken a whole other direction. More importantly, they would have felt much different for me, and not in a good way. 

That is not so surprising since, in this life full of good and bad surprises in equal measure, relationships are often what "makes it or breaks it".

Think of times in your life when you felt lonely, misunderstood, ignored, disrespected, unloved, rejected. Chances are it took over everything else, and made you feel miserable independently of what was going on in the rest of your life.

Now think of times in your life when you felt well-surrounded, validated, included, recognized, respected, loved. Chances are it made everything else easier to deal with.

This is how important relationships are: they change everything.

Indeed, happiness is closely related to the quantity and quality of your relationships. A Harvard study, presented in a TED Talk by Robert Waldinger, has demonstrated that relationships are the number one criteria for a good life. Feeling connected is crucial for overall well-being. I know that even in good times, when I don't need help or support, and despite my love of "alone time", a pleasant interaction with someone can be the most rewarding part of the day. I love the feeling that stems from helping someone, or simply from having a stimulating conversation.

This need for human connection is so important that researchers have now established that "the opposite of addiction is connection", suggesting that your relationships (or absence thereof) could prevent or exacerbate drug abuse. 

On top of influencing our well-being and whether or not we become addicted to substances, relationships have an effect on our physical health:

"When others betray us or we feel neglected, when we feel angry and sad at the way others have treated us, the power of our immune system declines dramatically." (Dalai Lama)

This is not to be taken lightly. Our interactions with others leave a trace. Some states of mind would even be contagious. For example, one can be exposed to "secondhand stress" and suffer the consequences. Don't you get tense around anxious or angry people, even when you have nothing to do with their negative emotion?

What this all means is that while we need to feel connected in order to remain healthy and happy, we also have to pay attention to the type of connection we have with others. To that effect, mindfulness is the best approach.

In my adult life, I have become aware of the nature of my interactions with others, and it has changed my approach drastically, in three main ways:

1. I remain authentic no matter what - I stepped away from trying to gain approval and admiration, because too often, that means being untrue to yourself. I respect others and strive to treat them fairly, but I respect myself, my needs and my values just as much.
2. I invest more in the interactions and relationships where both protagonists leave feeling good.
3. I invest less in the interactions and relationships that don't feel so good.

The third case has been my main challenge, as I grew up thinking that I had to get along with everyone, and that no effort was too big to that effect. Consequently, in my younger years, I devoted time and energy to the wrong relationships, tolerated more than I should have, or tried to change others. Some relationships do deserve a certain amount of compromise, but there is a line to be drawn. If someone demeans you, uses you as their therapist (as opposed to mutual confidences and support, which feels very different), or tries to control you, it might be time to step away.

Now, one crucial aspect of stepping away is to do it quietly. There is not need to argue, confront, justify, or take all the blame. If simple, respectful communication has not worked, then it might simply mean that the individual needs and wants are not compatible. This is especially important in cases where something more powerful is at play, such as a personality disorder. 

The point is not to diagnose people, of course, but to realize that some situations stem from complex and stubborn factors that we would be wise to avoid fighting, lest we turn ourselves in some form of modern Don Quixote.

I take people as they are, focus on the positive, stop holding specific expectations about how they should treat me, do communicate how I feel, but definitely don't try to change them. Then if it turns out that the relationship feels draining, I can simply let it go, or at least take my distances.

If, on the other hand, I am pleasantly surprised by the direction a relationship is taking, I know it would be wise to nurture it. These two past weeks made it impossible to ignore the love, generosity and kindness I am surrounded with. I feel very, very grateful for that, and I hope that I will be able to respond in kind. 

Mindfulness this Week

How do your interactions and relationships affect your daily life and your overall state of mind?

Be part of the process: 

Submit your comments below

Become a follower of the blog/subscribe by email (top left corner of this page)

Follow me on Facebook (click here)

Follow me on Twitter (click here)

The Less is More Project: Week 45 - Social sustainability in the suburbs

Quebec City, 2015. By JSM

"A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness." (Leo Tolstoy, Family Happiness)

Moving to Nova Scotia eight years ago, we bought our first house. Our real estate agent recommended a certain area, partly based on the school's good reputation. We also liked the nature feel (big lots surrounded by large wooded areas). We chose a house that seemed to fit our needs, wants and hopes. As we were soon to discover, however, the building, the land and the neighborhood might be important pieces of the puzzle, they are not the only ones. One of the best surprises, after moving here, has been the neighbors themselves.

Moving away from everything and everyone we knew could have been painful, but we adapted rather well, and what made the biggest difference was the people who live around us.

We were not the only ones to notice. I recently read the following post on our neighborhood's Facebook page, where people can share information, ask questions (or for help), and generally stay connected: 

"Love love love this neighborhood!! People are so friendly!! Any time I have been looking for anything I get pretty much an instant response and through that I met such awesome people!!"

If it sounds cheesy, it's not. This quote illustrates very well how it feels to live here.

The best thing about great neighbors is that they keep getting better. At first you introduce yourself to each other, occasionally help each other (babysitting, pet-sitting, house-sitting, garden-watering, or the classic "can I borrow three eggs and a some flour?") Occasionally, you offer each other small tokens of appreciation. I've received special deliveries of lobster, freshly fished clams, freshly hunted moose or deer, leftover birthday cake. I've shared homemade muffins and soups.  I've traded fruit and vegetables from the garden. We've helped each other shovel snow. Adults look out for children. Older kids look out for younger ones. 

As time passes, courteous interactions turn into full-blown friendships as you find yourself discussing life for hours on end over a cup of coffee. We go for walks (or runs) together. We have barbecues, bonfires, pool parties.

Eventually, it gets comfortable enough that you can walk over in your PJs to share a glass of wine (been there, done that).

Eventually, you become close enough that you confide in each other about your hopes, dreams, worries, fears, or secrets.

But our community is even more than a warm and welcoming place where one easily makes new friends. It's also its own little local economy in itself. 

Many of us run a small business. For some it's in the building trades. For some it's the making of jewelry, foods, gifts. Some of us offer services: childcare,  piano lessons, tutoring, translating, home decorating. Most of us run those small businesses from home. This promotes family life and flexibility. And because many of us use each other's business when we need a good or a service, our neighborhood almost qualifies as a self-sufficient mini-market. We don't have to go very far to find a small, locally owned (by a friend) consignment store, preschool, hair salon, spa. Some of those services or goods are bartered, which reinforces the feeling of a communal, self-contained system.

Above the location, the house, the school and all other aspects of living here, this might be my favorite feature about this neighborhood.

What do you like about your neighborhood? Does any part of it contribute to living a simple life?

WEEK 45 IN REVIEW

Just saw an add (on social media) about a service that delivers a box of goodies to your dog every month. I can barely imagine how much junk you are left with at the end of the year! 

Soon I will have to go shopping for Christmas presents. After almost eleven months of buying close to nothing, I'm not sure how to feel about it. I will try and keep it simple. 

How do you manage your Christmas shopping?

Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

Become a follower of the blog/subscribe by email (top left corner of this page)!

Follow me on Facebook (click here)!

Follow me on Twitter (click here)!

The Less is More Project: Week 43 - Electronics

Martin Voltri, Flickr

When I bought my car, the sales consultant spent as much time (if not more time) explaining how to set up and use Bluetooth than he did explaining the "traditional" car characteristics. 

He never mentioned anything about cylinders, torque and horsepower. I'll give it to him that he did not point out which mirror I could use to refresh my makeup either. 

But I now know how to call my mother hands-free while driving, by just saying her name out loud (he helped me set that up, arguing it could come in handy). I don't even have to touch my flip phone to be in immediate communication with whoever I want. How convenient! (And how dangerous, according to recent studies that show talking on the phone, even hands-free, increases your risk of an accident.) Never mind that I do not make phone calls from my car, and that I only use said flip phone for emergencies (i.e., almost never).

More and more people are expressing astonishment at the fact that I don't own a smart phone. Admittedly, everyone but the kitchen table owns one, so I guess I'm the weirdo. Still, I can't help but wonder: How could an inessential gadget become mainstream so fast? Ten years ago, smart phones were few and far between in North America. Now they are everywhere. I understand how such a phenomenon could apply to, say, washing machines: they did make a huge difference for the better in the life of the North American homemaker when they were first put on the market. But smart phones? Are they that useful?

Despite being a big fan of technology, a daily user (arguably an excessive user) of the Internet, and an "ex-video gamer", I haven't hopped on the portable device bandwagon yet, and I don't know when or if I will. Up to now, the main pressure to get a smart phone has come from friends who tell me I need one, not from me actually feeling the need. 

Not having a smart phone "forces" me to call people or write them an email instead of texting them. Not having a smart phone forces me to check directions before I leave on a trip, and to carry a road map in my car (I don't have a GPS either). Interestingly, I enjoy reading maps, and it has never caused any issue. The same applies to calculators: since I do not carry one with me, I have the pleasure of doing mental math on a regular basis, which is probably good for my almost 40-year-old brain. Other than that I don't see what not having a smart phone changes in my life.

But wait! Here is what it changes:

• When I'm with my friends or with my family, I actually focus on them, as opposed to looking down at a screen or jumping whenever I hear a buzz.
• When I drive I am not distracted.
• When I have to wait somewhere, I get lost in my thoughts, which often prove to be rather creative provided I allow them to go in whatever direction they want to take. Or, if the scenery is nice, I get lost in its beauty reaching my five senses.
• When on vacation I completely "disconnect" from the rest of the world.
• I never feel distressed about forgetting or losing my phone.
• I don't contribute to polluting the environment with one of the worst "planned-obsolescence-infused" items there is.

Think I'm a freak? Wait, I haven't even told you that I don't own a tablet or another portable device either (except a dinosaur of a laptop that I only use very occasionally). Nor do my children, by the way. Which means that, poor them, they have to find another way to occupy themselves whenever

• We go on long drives
• We go to a restaurant
• We watch their sibling play sports
• We go to the dentist's, the doctor's, or any other specialist's office
• We go camping
• They are at a friend's house
• We are home, doing nothing
• I need to get some work done without their constant interruptions
• Etc.

What do they do then? Honestly, I don't care as long as they remain safe and respectful of their surroundings. Sometimes they read. Sometimes they write. Sometimes they draw. Sometimes they build things. Sometimes they listen to music. Sometimes (if the space and setting allows for it) they move around, dance, run, jump, climb, throw balls, do cartwheels. Sometimes they find a friend and/or a game to play with. Sometimes they just stare in the distance, and I know for a fact that some of their most fascinating reflections on life and the world are taking place at that exact moment.

Sometimes they chat with me. How sad would it be if there was a screen between us (literally) during those moments.

Whenever I advocate for minimal use of portable electronic devices for children (and I wouldn't be the only one, since specialists everywhere are saying the same), I am often told that "children need to know how to use them". May I reassure everyone that children do NOT need to spend 10+ hours a week in front of a screen to learn how to use it? With their occasional witnessing or use of other people's games electronic devices, my children already know more than enough about "the new technologies". Plus, schools themselves are increasingly incorporating iPads and such in the classroom. It suffices.

May I also reassure everyone that children ARE capable of waiting, occupying themselves and remaining well-behaved without the help of a screen? The fact that "times are changing" doesn't mean all of our ways have to. I strongly believe that my children actually benefit from being bored/having to wait on a regular basis, as I might have mentioned once or twice on this blog already. And don't tell me it's because my kids are angels: they are not. As I write this I just had to kick them out of the house ("Go play outdoors!") because they were becoming too rambunctious.

Children are very adaptable creatures (with the possible exception of two year-olds, who can be quite inflexible - but screens are even worst for toddlers, so we'll have to suck it up like every other parent has since the dawn of time). Let's trust that if they don't have access to screens every time things get boring or uncomfortable, they will figure out a way to deal with it.

How do you manage portable electronic devices in your life? Do you feel they bring you more than they take away from you?


WEEK 43 IN REVIEW

Turns out that apple cider vinegar actually works as a conditioner. I just wasn't diluting it properly. 1-2 tablespoons in a cup of water work pretty well, and don't smell too bad.

I haven't used my new car to go to work yet. It sits there but I will only use it when it's a need. I have, however, used it to go to the library with the kids on the recent PD day, while D was gone with the other car. We live in the woods and other means of transportation are rarely an option as there pretty much is nothing (except for schools) in the area.

A salesperson showed up at my door trying to sell me an Internet/TV/phone bundle. We already have a service provider and are happy with it, but the young man wouldn't take "I'm not interested" for an answer, and argued that I had to give him a reason why. He seemed personally offended that I wouldn't listen to his sales pitch, even if I told him very politely that I didn't want to waste his or my precious time. By the time he said "I can come back if you're busy right now", I couldn't help but respond "Please don't". The whole interaction was uncomfortable for both of us. He wanted my money, I was not gonna give it to him. Why not stop there? Why does it have to turn into harassment? Why is this practice deemed acceptable in the world of door-to-door (or telephone) selling? As with physical encounters: no means no. Period.


Your turn to share about your struggles and victories of the week! What did you resist? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

Become a follower of the blog/subscribe by email (top left corner of this page)!

Follow me on Facebook (click here)!

Follow me on Twitter (click here)!

The Less is More Project: Week 11 - The toughest time of your life

Diloz, Flickr

After last week's post on the happiest time of your life, it occurred to me that reflecting back on our toughest times could also have enlightening effects. And so I started asking people around me: "When was the toughest time of your life?"


The answers fell into 2 main categories: 

1) big life transitions

2) relationship issues

3) unfulfilled basic needs


Whether it's a long-distance move, a change in jobs, a change in income, a big exam (D listed the weeks leading his pre-doctoral comprehensive exam as being particularly unpleasant, and I have to admit putting the final touches to my Master's thesis was not a highlight of my life), life transitions - even positive ones - are the source of significant stress. As for relationships, they are at the core of our well-being: a healthy social circle has innumerable benefits, whereas conflict and disrespect can drag down the happiest person. 

Unfulfilled basic needs: although it was not a common answer (this is privileged North America, after all), some of the people I talked to evoked unfulfilled basic needs as a source of great stress. Whether it's your health failing, or another type of "collapse", this confirms what we all knew about the importance of food, water, shelter and safety. Like many others, I felt very stressed during the big ice storm of 1998: we had no power for 3 weeks under freezing conditions. Staying warm and fed and safe had become a challenge.

What I have learned is that hardship has to be worth it: if the effort and stress eventually lead to a significant improvement in your well-being, then by all means go for it. Getting out of our comfort zone is the only way to move forward. As long as we keep in mind that we will not reap the benefits immediately. As for relationships, I have learned to stay away from drama, and invest in the ones that are healthy and mostly pleasant. There should be no room in your life for people who don't treat you right, whoever they are. Finally, I have learned to protect my basic needs and those of the people I care about. Sometimes, being fed and warm and dry and well-rested is all that really matters.


Have you noticed those trends in your life? What lessons have you learned from the difficult times you might have experienced?



WEEK 11 IN REVIEW


Temptations

A few weeks ago, after a big snow storm and the ensuing shoveling, I took the kids to the nearest coffee shop for a well-deserved hot chocolate and doughnuts. This is not something we do more than, maybe, twice a year, mostly for health reasons. It felt like a real treat. As my youngest daughter "rolled up the rim" of her disposable cup (another reason I don't like those places), she discovered with great excitement that she had won another hot beverage. 

Since then, she has been asking when we would go back to claim our "prize". 

We finally went this week. And what had to happen happened: there were 3 of us, so I purchased 3 drinks. Meaning I had to pay for 2 of them. I resisted the doughnuts, and the total amount was very reasonable. Still, it was a blatant example of how marketing gets you to spend more than you were initially planning. We are not regular patrons of that coffee shop. We were not going to go. Winning a free drink is what took us there.

I made sure to make the kids aware of that phenomenon. After all, they are the consumers of tomorrow. We had a very interesting conversation on the way back.

Donations (good riddance)

I took a look at the top of my dresser and what I saw didn't please me: piles of books, old receipts, jewelry of all sorts. I decided to tackle it. Interesting how a couple square feet of junk can keep you busy for a while. This must be why the experts of decluttering usually recommend focusing on one drawer at a time. Planning for more would be sure to leave you overwhelmed. In any case, the top of my dresser is now wonderfully bare, and I will make some people very happy with the books and necklaces I discarded. As for the receipts, except for the most expensive purchases, they are gone. Another perk of not shopping: no receipts to get rid of!


Observations

The smallest things have the power to drag us down. Cleaning only one small area of my house made me realize what a difference a little bit of decluttering can make, and that small objects (books, papers, jewelry, cosmetics, pens, etc.) do become invasive.

Your turn! Pick one drawer or shelf to clear this week. 

Tell us how it went.

Cogitations

My friend and neighbor M called me in the late afternoon on Saturday. Would I like to come over for a glass of wine after supper, she asked. "I'm in my PJs", I shamelessly replied. I had just come back from a run with oldest daughter, taken a shower, and decreed it PJ time: I was not planning on going anywhere that night. "Not a problem", M replied. "I am also wearing my PJs". That sealed it. A few hours later, I was happily walking over to her place in my fleece drawstring pants. She greeted me dressed similarly. We sat on her couch and chatted the evening away like two teenagers. It was great.

It's all in the small things...

What did you resist this week? Did you donate or get rid of anything? Did you face any challenge? Please comment below! And...

Become a follower of the blog/subscribe by email (top left corner of this page)!

Follow me on Facebook (click here)!

The Less is More Project: Week 4 - Less stuff, less stress

Tallkev, Flickr

Getting rid of stuff and not buying anything might seem like a daunting project, but as the house is becoming more and more decluttered, so is my mind.

Why do we acquire so much stuff? One reason for accumulating unnecessary things might be similar to the reason why we eat too much food: evolution and instinct dictate to get as much as we can when it's possible. We succumb to the temptation (and god knows temptation is everywhere, in the form of bargains, coupons and the like). But for those of us who live in abundance, it ends up being counterproductive. In fact, it can be detrimental to our health: just like eating too much food puts us at risk for a wide range of problems, owning too much stuff has been shown to have an effect on the "stress hormone", cortisol (which in turn can create all kinds of health issues). 

This is why minimalism/frugality cannot simply be about being thrifty, looking for deals, buying things on sale and/or second hand, or even making them yourself. Yes, you can find nice stuff at nice prices. Yes, you can create your own stuff with your own hands and labour of love. But it's still stuff! Minimalism is about taking your distance from stuff altogether.

This is why decluttering cannot simply be about arranging things orderly on shelves or in neat boxes and cupboards. You don't need those extra storage bins. You certainly don't need a bigger house or garage or shed. What you need is less stuff. Decluttering is about actually getting rid of the things you don't need! 

For more on this fascinating topic, please see the Becoming Minimalist blog, especially the post entitled Don't Just Declutter, De-Own. And share your comments below!


WEEK 4 IN REVIEW


Temptations 

Interestingly, I did not face too many temptations this week. I was not in stores, did not read magazines, still do not watch much TV, and managed to ignore the pop-up ads when I was online. Maybe that's the trick: out of sight, out of mind!

I do have one kid who likes stuff, and she regularly asks for this and that... but I do not yield. From all of her eight years and a half, she is beginning to understand why.

We ran out of some food items, but I have not replaced them yet: 

• seeds (flax, chia and hemp)
• Dijon mustard
• protein powder (for smoothies)

Are those needs? You tell me.


Instead of stuff, I focused on pleasant experiences: 

• My daughter's 11th birthday party. We kept the gifts to a minimum and instead focused on a really cool activity: wall climbing! 

• A night out to celebrate (surprise party!) a friend's 40th birthday. The most pleasant part of which was simply to chat and laugh late into the night with the dozen of good friends who were there (and take a walk on the beach together the next morning). 

Donations

Water bottles.

Good riddance - the things that are in too bad a shape to even be donated: 

Water bottles.

If you're intrigued about all the water bottles, read below...


Observations

While cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, I made a scary discovery: our family owns no less than 24 water bottles... not including the small ones that fit in my runner's belt, and not including the travel mugs (of which we only have 4). We are active people who love playing sports, hiking and camping, but... isn't 24 water bottles a tad too much? In my defense, a lot of them were not purchased: we got them for participating in a variety of events. But still. We should not have kept them all. Well, that's a problem solved now.


Cogitations

Not shopping while here at home might not be too hard, but I just realized that I won't be able to shop when I go to Montreal next summer (or if I travel anywhere else, for that matter). For a moment, I felt disappointed. But I am aware that not shopping will probably refocus my attention on other, more interesting things. When I backpacked around Europe for a couple months after I graduated from university in 1999, I was on a frugal "student budget" (precisely $40 a day including shelter, food and transportation), and therefore did not shop whatsoever. Instead I explored the cities' streets, visited a few hand-picked museums, hiked in National Parks, and generally took the time to feel the pulse of each place I went to. I didn't need to buy anything for that. If I remember well I did not bring back any souvenir from that trip - even the photos I took were rationed as I still used 35mm film - but I did bring back tons of unforgettable memories!

What did you resist this week? Did you donate or get rid of anything? How did that make you feel? Please comment below! And...

• Become a follower of the blog (top left corner of this page)
• Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/happinesssavouredhot
• Subscribe by email: mleuxj@gmail.com